Triggering Family Gatherings - Strategies to Take With You

Ah, the holiday season - full of joy, togetherness, and, let’s be honest, the potential for a lot of emotional triggers. Family gatherings can bring out the best and the worst in all of us, often pressing up old wounds, bringing up familiar patterns and ways of relating. But they also present an incredible opportunity to practice the tools and skills you’ve been working on all year - a bow tie on a turd perhaps?

There’s nothing quite like stepping into the arena, as Brené Brown calls it.

Here’s your guide to navigating those tricky family moments with calm and confidence.

Let’s Go In Prepared - Breathe!

Before facing the whirlwind of a family gathering, take a moment to prepare yourself. The key is to stay calm, and that starts with your breath. When we’re stressed, our bodies go into a fight-or-flight response, making it harder to think clearly or respond effectively. 

When we’re triggered, our brain perceives a threat - whether real or not - and our amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, gets flooded with stress signals. This activates the fight, flight, or freeze response, shutting down access to the prefrontal cortex the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and decision-making. This activates within milliseconds where as the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking and self-control, takes longer to come back online - usually about 20-30 seconds if we actively calm ourselves (through deep breathing or grounding techniques). Without intentional regulation, it can take minutes to hours, depending on the intensity of the trigger and the individual’s ability to self-soothe.

If you do anything at all, it's practice staying calm. Breathe!

Take a few deep breaths before walking into the room or sitting down at the table. Breathing deeply and slowly sends a signal to your nervous system that you’re safe. Once you’re there, continue to notice your breath. Can you pause for a moment between feeling triggered and reacting? to get that part of your brain back online.

This space between trigger and response is where growth happens. It's not easy, but it allows us the opportunity to respond instead of react. Like any muscle, this skill gets stronger with practice - bring it on Aunty Susan.

Try practice your breathing techniques ahead of time, so you are used to them. Our favourites are box breathing which you can find on page 7 of journl. Foundations. Or the technique of elongating your exhales - breathing in for four counts and exhaling for six to eight counts (page 8).

Self-Soothing Practices

When emotions run high, it’s important to know how to comfort yourself. The good news? What works to soothe a baby often works just as well for you - think touch, warmth, and soft vocalisations. When a baby is upset or worked up, what do we do? Well, usually we pick them up (touch), and hold them close (warmth) while singing, shhing or talking quietly and calmly (soft vocalisations). There's are summarised on page 11 of journl. Foundations and journl. Therapy. 

How might this look in a family setting?

• Touch: Gently rub your thigh up and down, honestly try it now it really does work. You can hold your own hand or rub your upper arm. Both are subtle cues to our body and mind we are safe and can relax. Pair this with your deep breathing.

• Warmth: At home, a cosy blanket or a warm bath works wonders, but at a gathering, try excusing yourself and going to the bathroom, wash your hands with warm water while breathing deeply. 

• Soft Vocalisations: This is about your inner dialogue. Speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend: “It’s okay. I’m safe. I can handle this.” These gentle reassurances help calm your nervous system and shift your perspective.

By tending to yourself with care, you’ll find it easier to stay grounded no matter what the day throws at you.

A few one-liners for your back pocket

Having a few neutral but firm phrases in your back pocket can be a lifesaver. Remember stay calm and deliver them with a neural tone. We are not trying to change, fix or teach anyone - send them for therapy for that and save yourself your peace. Here are some ideas:

• Set Boundaries: “I’d rather not discuss that right now", "Thanks for your input, but I’m happy with my decision.", "I’d prefer to keep that private, thanks for understanding.", "What a funny thing to say out loud".

• Redirect the Conversation: “That’s an interesting perspective, Aunty Susan. What’s new and good with you these days?”, "I'd rather hear about you" (everyone loves to talk about themselves) , Bring up a positive memory/story "Do you remember the Christmas xyz happened", 

• Use Humor to Diffuse the situation: "Oh, you know me—always full of surprises", "That’s above my pay grade"

These responses help you avoid escalating the situation while maintaining your dignity and composure.

As Brené Brown and Theodore Roosevelt says, “It is not the critic who counts… The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…” The work you are doing on yourself and have been doing on yourself is big. You're in the arena, you are learning, growing and breaking generational patterns! Don't take on critic from someone who isn't also in the arena doing the work, they are not the critic that counts!

While it can be messy and challenging, it's also an opportunity to show up for yourself, practice the skills and learn even more about yourself in the process.

You’ve got this.