My mum died when she was 37, one evening she had a cardiac arrest, was rushed to hospital in an ambulance, placed on life support and died 4 days later. She had it all - the husband, the children, the house with a sea view but her life was cut tragically short. Was she ahead of her friends or behind?
It’s a tragic story and I apologise for the jump scare. However, I think this poignant example helps us to see that the idea of being ahead or behind is quite ridiculous. We are all here, on this planet for different lengths of time, we will find some seasons easy and others more challenging. That’s life my friend.
Why do we love to compare ourselves?
Well, I’m not a mind reader, but I have some ideas after spending hundreds of hours talking to my clients about this exact topic. As humans, we like to understand things. We like to pop something in a box and know where it’s placed. We like black and white, yes and no, right or wrong. When things don’t fit into these neat categories, it’s harder to understand them. That makes us feel uneasy.
Comparison helps us create a framework for understanding our lives. If we can say, “I’m doing better than them” or “I should be further ahead,” it gives us a sense of orientation. It helps us feel like we have some control, even when, in reality, life is unpredictable.
Society has conditioned us to believe in timelines. Graduate by this age, buy a house by that age, get married, have children, climb the career ladder—there’s a sequence we are subtly (or not so subtly) encouraged to follow. And when we don’t fit into it, we can feel like we’re falling behind.
Systems like patriarchy and capitalism play a big role in keeping us tethered to these expectations. The patriarchy has long dictated societal roles, particularly for women, reinforcing rigid life stages like marriage and motherhood as markers of success. Meanwhile, capitalism thrives on comparison, pushing us to constantly strive for more - more money, more status, more productivity - often at the expense of our well-being. These structures create the illusion that we must always be moving forward in a prescribed way or risk being seen as failures. Being excluded from the group - a biological fear.
But here’s the truth: there is no race. There is no universal timeline. There is just your life, unfolding at its own pace. I know, I know, really? Yes! And keep in mind if I was to give you the timeline of your life I would have ruined all the fun. Like watching a movie where you already know the twists and turns or reading a book when the ending is already ruined for you. Where’s the fun in that.
When we compare ourselves to others, we’re often comparing our behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel. We don’t see the struggles, the late nights, the self-doubt or the health and wellbeing of that person. We just see the polished version they choose to share. And that’s not a fair comparison.
So what can we do?
First, awareness is key. Notice when you’re slipping into comparison mode. Is it around a certain topic? Is it a particular person? Is it stronger when you are in a certain environment?
Then, bring your focus back to you. This is where our journaling activities like finding your values, choosing your priorities and defining your unique version of success are so important. They ground us back into our own reality.
- What are your unique values?
- What is your unique definition of success?
- What are you not willing to sacrifice in the pursuit of that success?
We dive into this more in New Beginnings: A Goal Setting Workbook if you need extra support.
Life isn’t a competition; it’s a personal experience. And the more we embrace our own unique path, the more peaceful and fulfilled we’ll feel. So let’s loosen our grip on the need for order and certainty. You're a clever cookie. I know you have the capacity to live life in the grey area - a much more realistic and enjoyable place to be. Have activities in your life where you can ground yourself, come back into focus, creating a life that feels good to live - not that is good to look at.
Life on our own terms.