Comparison is something we all do - it’s almost impossible not to. We see someone who appears to be ahead of us, and suddenly we feel behind. We scroll through social media and wonder if we’re doing life right. But as I wrote in my last blog, the idea of being ahead or behind is an illusion. There is no universal timeline. There’s only your life, unfolding at its own pace.
In my previous blog, I explored why we feel the need to compare ourselves to others and how society conditions us to believe in rigid timelines. We crave order, and comparison gives us a way to understand where we stand. I think that’s why reality TV is so popular - we get to see inside other peoples lives and see if we are doing it the same. Often at the cost of our own happiness. If you haven’t read it yet, you can check it out here.
It’s a bit like playing a game of Snakes and Ladders without knowing the rules. If you haven’t decided what moves you forward and what sets you back, you’re at the mercy of whatever society tells you. Does the ladder take you up or down? You must define that for yourself, or you’ll forever feel like we’re losing a game you didn’t even choose to play.
So how do we step out of the comparison trap and start playing by our own rules? Here are three ways to quieten comparison and focus on your own path.
1. Decide What Takes You Up and What Brings You Down
Like I was saying, does the ladder take you up or bring you down? - You decide. We live in a world that defines success for us, these systems (you might call it patriarchy and capitalism) keep us stuck. It's up to you to decide what success is for you.
In New Beginnings - A Goal Setting Workbook we explore how success is not... a game of acquiring stuff or achieving things, something people can see, something others give us or a destination. This freeing realisation allows us to define it for ourselves.
Journal about what truly matters to you. What makes you feel fulfilled? What are your core values? What are you not willing to sacrifice in the pursuit of this success?
When you define what success looks like in your own life, you stop measuring yourself against standards that don’t align with who you are. If career growth is your ladder, great. If deep relationships or personal freedom matter more, let that guide your choices. The key is knowing what game you’re playing.
We work through this in New Beginnings - A Goal Setting Workbook if you need more support or you can download our free values handout to get started.
2. Use The Triggers
When you notice yourself comparing - use it. Is it around a specific topic? Or person? Is this trigger showing you something you care about? Or want more of?
Get so curious about it. Often when we are triggered we avoid the sensation at all costs. This might look like judging and bitching. Notice this. Lean in. If I set aside feelings of lack or self-judgment, what is this comparison showing me about what I deeply desire? - take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to be honest.
3. Reframe the Narrative
Comparison often makes us feel like we’re losing. But what if we saw someone else’s success as proof of what’s possible? When we admire something in someone else, it’s often because that quality or achievement resonates with something we desire. Instead of feeling like you’re behind, let it inspire you. Use it as evidence that what you want is achievable for you too, in your own way and time.
Did you know? There’s a list of incurable diseases, but it only takes one person to cure it for that disease to be removed from that list forever. One person is all it takes to show us that something is possible. The same applies to our goals - seeing someone else achieve what we aspire to is proof that it can be done. Remember no one came out the womb sprinkled with extra special fairy dust. Rather than seeing their success as a reminder of where you lack, view it as a sign that your dreams are within reach.
The game of life isn’t about getting ahead of others—it’s about choosing the right game for you. If you haven’t decided what success means, you’ll constantly feel like you’re losing. But when you define it for yourself, the comparison fades away. So grab a journal, reflect on what truly matters, and start playing by your own rules.
P.s don’t forget to take off the rose tinted glasses from time to time. A lot of what we see online isn’t even real anyway. The only reality you have is your own! Focus on that my friend!